How to Handle Adolescent Lying
By
Ramona Hall, MA
www.ramonahalleducationapsychology.com
Sad to say, everyone lies sometimes. We lie by not telling someone about something that we know would make them unhappy (e.g. “Your mother said she’s always liked your sister best!”). We lie to avoid hurting people’s feelings about their choice of clothes, hair color, or companions. But, generally, most of us want very much to live lives of honesty, particularly with those who are closest to us. However, with adolescents, lies can escalate and become the first line of defense against parental control. Typically, these lies take the form of 3 W’s – Where, Who, and What.
The Where is often the most difficult to pin down. Because of cell phone use, teens today can respond to a parent phone call from anywhere on the planet! So parents who keep tabs on their teen by having them call in or by calling them on their cell phone can be easily mislead. A classic ploy is for a youngster to tell his parents that he is going to a friend’s house for a sleep over and then leaves that house to attend a party. The ease with which this happens is amazing. All the young co-conspirators require is permission to go out from the host parent (if that parent is even at home). They do not need to say they will be attending a party but, instead, going to a movie or another friend’s home.
The second W, the Who, is often misrepresented when the adolescent knows that his parents do not approve of certain friends. For some teens, the fact that parents dislike their companions is actually reinforcing! It adds a sense of adventure and rebellion at a time when hormones and mental development are affecting judgment and self-control. So the savvy teen plans his outings carefully by arranging to be seen or heard talking about activities with an acceptable friend and then meeting up with the unacceptable friend at another location. For this operation to succeed, the entire group has to work cooperatively, covering for each other if parents call or ask questions at a later time.
Then the What becomes an issue. Spending time at a party or associating with questionable characters is not in and of itself a problem. The real problem occurs when teens use their stolen moments to engage in activities that endanger themselves or others. For example, it is a rare party that does not have alcohol and drugs available. That is not to say that all teens will partake, but when mood altering substances are available, bad things can happen. Physical accidents, unwanted sexual intimacies, driving under the influence, and drug or alcohol overdoses happen frequently when adolescents are allowed to use alcohol and drugs. Sometimes, it is the parent hosts who look the other way or who provide the alcohol - excusing this behavior by the false rational that it allows them to monitor what their adolescent is doing in the safety of the home environment.
So how does a concerned parent monitor their teen without resorting to becoming an obsessive parent? Monitoring is an ongoing, multifaceted process. First, and most important, parents must be aware of what their teen is doing. Even the most trustworthy, competent adolescent can slip when parents are never home. Parents need to touch base with teens on a daily basis. That means making time to talk with them even when they resist family activities. The need for ‘alone time’ is very common with teens, but every teen should be required to participate in some form of family time.
Second, parents need to be very clear about family expectations with respect to underage drinking, sexual activities, and drug use. Forbidding attendance at group functions and parties can lead to subversive behavior. A more practical solution is to ensure that the adolescent has an emergency plan for leaving or for contacting parents if the situation is not comfortable. It is also important that parents contact the host prior to the event and determine whether parents (not an older sibling or cousin) will be present and share the same values regarding illegal substances use. This last factor is a must despite the fact that your teen may object. In fact, the wise parent has a parent network to rely upon for information and feedback regarding teen activities in the community.
With respect to sleeping over at a friend’s house, make sure the other parent will be home and will comply with your expectations regarding your teen’s whereabouts. And make it very clear to your teen that trust is something that must be validated by honest actions. Trust that has been lost must be re-established by future behaviors. The logical consequence for abusing trust at a sleep over is to forbid any future visits to other’s homes until such a time as responsible behaviors are demonstrated. In cases where teens have really abused parental trust by drinking or using drugs the message is that trust is a privilege and not a right. In which case, the teen becomes subject to periodic parent surprise visits to ensure that the youngster is where he says he is.
Most teens are generally responsible and honest individuals. But, keep in mind, that adolescence is a time of experimentation with new identities and behaviors. Even very well-adjusted teens can make mistakes. The key for parents is to maintain open communication, convey family values and expectations, and monitor your teen’s whereabouts. In the end, most adolescents grow up to be responsible, taxpaying, lawn mowing, decent citizens who lead responsible lives.
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Raising Responsible Adolescents
By
Ramona Hall, MA
Santa Clarita, California
It is a typical intake session. Parents are bringing the teen to therapy because he is failing in school, is disobedient, breaks home and school rules, uses foul language, and lacks any sense of personal responsibility. Upon further questioning by the therapist, parents describe a home life that is filled with tension because the teen stays up all night playing on the computer, refuses to join in family activities, sleeps through the day on weekends, and will not help with any household chores. Although parents work hard all week, they are unable to leave the house unattended on weekends because they are afraid of what will happen when they are gone. Neither punishment nor rewards seem to work and the parents fear for the future.
Parents state that they are hurt and disappointed at the blatant disrespect because all they require of the adolescent is that he does well in school; his education is his only job. Everything else is provided for the teen’s comfort – bedroom, electronic goodies, television, spending money, his wardrobe, his favorite foods, preferred grooming aids, bikes, skateboards, off road vehicles, and car.
As part of the intake session the therapist asks the parents to describe their respective histories: families of origin, educational opportunities, and life challenges. It is a rare case when a parent describes an idyllic upbringing. For most, parents relate stories of hard work, goals developed, and challenges met and overcome through individual effort. Some have backgrounds that include immigration stories and early poverty. Many, many parents state that they want their child to struggle less, feel less emotional pain, and to accomplish more than they did. Furthermore, they see education as the road to future success for their children.
Unfortunately, parents’ good intentions create the very circumstances that sabotage their dreams. Unlike his parents, the teen has no sense of accomplishment because he has little opportunity to face personal obstacles and successfully overcome them. He has no idea of how much things cost, because everything is freely given to him. As a result, he also has no respect for parents’ hard work; he does not see the connection between work and money. He sees parents as automatic teller machines and feels entitled to life’s comforts without any strings. He feels entitled to the good things in life for no other reason than that he exists.
Does it have to be like this? How can parents raise children to become responsible, hard working, resilient adults? Love is not enough. The answers lie in the very experiences that made the parents who they are – responsibility, challenges, goal setting, gratitude for opportunities, and self-confidence based upon real life accomplishments.
- · Children need to experience challenges throughout development. Learning to overcome everyday challenges increases one’s sense of competence and enables one to try out new behaviors and take appropriate risks. It starts with simple things like feeding oneself and tying one’s shoes. It progresses to doing homework independently, learning to plan and organize events, and applying for jobs. The individual who does no independent work has no sense of personal accomplishment.
- Children need to experience life as an important part of a family system and that includes participation in household responsibilities. Even very young children are capable of doing simple chores such as putting clothes in a drawer or straightening a bedcover. All children as they grow should and can learn how to cook, clean, and wash clothing. Life skills are an important part of becoming independent. These types of activities also help the child feel that his work is valued by the household.
- · Children need to understand and respect the value of material goods. When an individual earns an item, he is far more likely to value it and to take care of it. Furthermore, an overabundance of “STUFF” makes it harder to appreciate any one object and also interferes with the child’s ability to keep a neatly organized personal space.
- · Finally, children need to understand that respect is earned and that mutual respect is based upon a foundation of good communication. Use of bad language, sarcasm, and a disrespectful tone interferes with good communication and leads to hurt feelings. All children need to be taught the basics of polite discourse. When children first begin to speak they can be taught basic manners along with the knowledge of when to use formal versus informal language. As older children, parents need to make it clear that yelling and use of profanity towards family members is not acceptable and will result in immediate negative consequences.
In the end, parents have tremendous personal power in the direction the child takes. As role models for responsible behavior, parents set the tone for family interactions. Parents that have appropriately high expectations for behavior help their children understand that independence and material goods must be earned through responsibility. Affluence without responsibility is a recipe for selfishness and promotes a lifelong sense of entitlement.
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Adolescent Depression
By
Ramona Hall, MA
Licensed Educational Psychologist #2122
Santa Clarita, California
It is a given that adolescence is a developmental period marked by rapid changes. The child’s social role expands beyond the family and relationships with peers begin to dominate. At the same time, biochemical changes are occurring that result in surges of physical and intellectual growth. It is no wonder that so many teens describe feeling stressed and pressured.
Despite the aforementioned factors, most adolescents tolerate the transition to adulthood without major problems and grow up to be well adjusted adults. In fact, research over the past ten years indicates that approximately eighty percent of all adolescents reach maturity without significant difficulties. Of the remaining twenty percent, many experience adjustment issues associated with a number of factors including family problems, peer relationships, and educational stresses. For some, the result is depression and normal development becomes derailed.
Depression in adolescence looks very much like adult depression. The teen experiences feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and lack of faith in a happier future. Eating and sleeping patterns may change; friendships and family relationships suffer, and grades at school begin to drop. In some cases, the depression lifts and life returns to normal. But when depression lingers, the adolescent’s life course can be altered permanently, leading to school failure, substance abuse, and a dysfunctional adult lifestyle.
Fortunately, there are a number of steps that parents can take to help their teen overcome depression and return to normal functioning. First, it is important to recognize that changes in the teen’s biochemistry predispose them to experience problems with emotional regulation. This results in the adolescent feeling extremes of emotions more frequently than in child or adult populations. Some days can be like a roller coaster of emotional extremes. Because of this, adults sometimes react to the adolescent’s expression of feelings with irritation and impatience.
Secondly, it is important to understand that these emotional reactions are very real and that sometimes just listening can be amazingly helpful to the teen. For example, because adolescents are very peer focused the loss of a best friend or first love is typically perceived as catastrophic. Even parents who are empathetic to the teen’s grief can become impatient when the storms of tears, sleepless nights, and sullen attitude affect the family atmosphere. But if parents are not available, teens will find someone else to talk to. That someone else is usually another adolescent who is unlikely to have the loyalty, sensitivity, and wisdom necessary to be truly helpful. Furthermore, issues of trust frequently arise when secret confidences become Facebook commentaries.
Parents have power. Parents need to understand that maintaining communication and emotional connections with their teen allows them to recognizer problems early in the process and intervene quickly, when necessary, to help the youngster cope with difficult events. Parents can be powerful influences for good by just being available to listen. And, finally, if parental support is not enough, the involved, observant parent can help the teen find professional help.
Adolescents want and need a degree of independence in order to accomplish their developmental tasks. However, caring parents maintain vigilance and step in to provide support when life’s challenges overwhelm the adolescent’s ability to cope.